1) Start every sentence the same way. Especially if it can sound like this: Walking to the door, she spied a hunk of cheese. Reaching out to grab it, she discovered her ring was missing. As she focused on her fingers, she began to panic. While panicking, she…(You get the gist.)
2) Describe every detail about your protagonist, right down to what he/she ate for dinner the night before. Then do the same for your antagonist.
3) Give us as much background information about the story as possible. Right upfront is best. Make sure you mention lots of names of people who will never show up in the novel again.
4) If you begin to lose steam in the middle of the novel, add non-dramatic tension. Like, the phone rings and your protagonist receives upsetting news. But then don’t share this news with the reader…keep it a mystery. For chapters. It will be so opposite of enthralling.
5) Make sure you use as many -ly adverbs as you can fit on each page. That way, the reader won’t feel any emotional impact.
6) Explain the obvious…such as: The doorbell rang. Dennis answered it knowing someone was probably waiting outside his door.
7) Don’t give us the setting. Let us guess: is the character on a bus? In a bar? Oh, wait. Maybe she’s on an airplane. No? The reader will be so busy trying to figure this out, the storyline will become secondary.
8) By all means, don’t let your characters make any choices. Let things happen. Which leads me to the next tip:
9) Only have good things happen to your protagonist. Your protagonist should be nice. Live without problems or troubles of any type. Always think kindly of others. And like animals and babies.
10) And last but not least, make sure you end your story with: “it was all a dream.” After all, they won’t read on to the ending any way, so it won’t matter.